I Am Vertical

                 by Sylvia Plath

But I would rather be horizontal.

I am not a tree with my root in the soil

Sucking up minerals and motherly love

So that each March I may gleam into leaf,

Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed

Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,

Unknowing I must soon unpetal.

Compared with me, a tree is immortal

And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,

And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.

Tonight, in the infinitesimallight of the stars,

The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.

I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.

Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping

I must most perfectly resemble them--

Thoughts gone dim.

It is more natural to me, lying down.

Then the sky and I are in open conversation,

And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:

Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me. 

I sooooo need le weekend. my holiday.

---

Today it's the national day of Romania aka Great Union Day; you may wonder what this stands for so here it is a short story of the events which took place:

"In the immediate wake of the break-up of the Austro-Hungarian Empire after WW I, on December 1, 1918, citizens of Transylvania, Banat County, Crisana County and Maramures County met in the city of Alba-Iulia and voted to join Romania. This was ratified in the Romanian Chamber of Deputies and Senate on Dec, 29th. This act was internationally formalized by the signing of the Treaty of Trianon on June 4, 1920, between Romania and Hungary. This brought the three provinces of Wallachia, Moldavia, and Transylvania into the united kingdom of Romania.
Unification was first realized for a brief period in 1599-1600 under the rule of Mihai Viteazul (Michael the Brave). The dream of a unified Romania - linking the three primary provinces - remained until 1918."

Don’t judge me but I despise celebrating this day; I mean yeah, it was important in history and everything, but the way it is celebrated these days is just a degenerative thing which has nothing to do with the actual union.
To me, it’s a celebration of hypocrisy; today everyone loves this country all of the sudden. Today they forget about corruption, stupidity, lies, poverty and go to the center of their city only to be squeezed in a sea of humans, for some stupid fireworks which last for like 3 minutes and some stupid concerts.
Yeah, I am pissed off. I mean when is everyone gonna wake up? This is what you celebrate? And this is how you celebrate it? If there is anything you should be celebrating it’s reminding all the people who contributed to this country, who fought in wars, who actually made something so this crappy country could be at least ok. It’s the writers, the philosophers, the artists, the inventors who should be praised, not a mind-washing government.
It should be something symbolic and nice, not people running over each other. Maybe running movies about the history of Romania in cinemas; or running Romanian movies. All sort of documentaries about people who contributed to building the culture, personalities who built the history. There should be played the music of George Enescu, Ciprian Porumbescu and other classic music composers. There could be so many better things to do for peoples' entertainment instead of this joke called celebration. I'm trapped in here ;__;

Why do people need to pay other people in order for them to be listened to?

Have a freaky Halloween folks!

Be the creepiest you can be.

 And here it is, ladies and gentleman, the first Jack-o'-lantern I ever made!

Okay, gotta run. I'm still in the negotiating phase and my conscience is being self-conscious.
(Not sure if that made sense)

A cat appreciation post

I am going to tell you a story that not many will get to hear.. it's the story of my -not so mysterious- kat. 

 Have I mentioned he's not a normal cat? Nuh-uh. Oh well, I'm not allowed to reveal more than this following photo:

This is how Grimus appeared into this world.

He started as a little Yoda..

Just sleeping like a boss all day long

And explaining me the organic chemistry

But then he wanted power. 

And got very greedy. Started stealing everything I had or bought. Like food:

Problem?

Clothes

MINEEEE

It feels.. quite enjoyable.

And napkins, when I was sick.

But then I decided that's it, I need to teach this cat some manners. 

So now he's back to being a normal cat.

Just sleeping all day.

And being awesome. 

But now that his first moustache of wisdom has grown ..

..it's time for its metamorphosis.. 

Into what? i yet don't know..

On a side note, I am procrastinating since yesterday, just pushing off all the work I have to do until the very last moment when I'll start to panic because I will realize I don't have enough time to do everything on time. Oh well, it's funny how interesting everything else gets when you have work to do, isn't it?

More time, better sleep

These weeks I've been playing around with my sleeping schedule, because I need a new and better one. What I need is good, resting sleep - not necessarily long, and more free time because no matter how I'm trying to split it, I never end up finishing all I have to do in one day.

So I tried going to sleep at 10 pm, or a little earlier, and waking up normally - at about 7am. It's such an enjoyable sleep, full of dreams and everything, but not at all resting. During daytime I'm tired and irascible and really not in the mood to do anything but sleep more. Then I also tried going to sleep at about 1-2 after midnight, and waking up normally, which was okay, deep sleep, also resting, but can't remember any dreams. And last night I went to sleep a little after 11pm, maybe it was midnight, I don't remember, and woke up at 5am. It put me in an extremely good mood, was laughing mostly out of anything, I don't know, might be the tiredness saying its word.

So, I've looked up some sleeping schedules, and I'm thinking of trying the Biphasic one, which supposes sleeping twice each day. It involves a 90 minute nap and 3/4.5 hours of core sleep. Found some examples:

75-80 minutes beginning at 19:30
4-4.5 hours beginning at 01:00

vs.

12:30-5:00 am – core sleep (4.5 hours)

6:00-7:30 pm – nap (1.5 hours)

Biphasic sleeping can :

• reduce the total number of hours you spend asleep (as noted above)
• increase the quality of sleep during these periods
• improve both clarity and frequency of dream recall (nice!)

What are the downsides of Biphasic Sleeping?
The main negative aspect with both biphasic and polyphasic routines is simply that they are uncommon. It may become difficult to interract with monophasic sleepers in a timely manner (although a polyphasic routine emphasises this distinction much more than a biphasic one does).
Other than that, there is little that can be said against biphasic sleeping. As with any transition in your life, the first week or so will be a little more difficult than the rest - but only slightly. It is no worse than the jetlag you might experience following a long flight.

There also is the Uberman Sleep Schedule which goes like this: you take 6 naps that are 20-30 minutes each and are spread throughout your day. So you might have your naps at 2am, 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, and 10pm. Since I'm not home for almost half a day.. I couldn't really do that. Here's an experiment:

I'll start from today, going to take a nap right now. Will keep record of how everything goes.

Extract from The Stranger by Camus, pt. I

"Mother died today. Or, maybe, yesterday; I can’t be sure. The telegram from the Home says: YOUR MOTHER PASSED AWAY. FUNERAL TOMORROW. DEEP SYMPATHY. Which leaves the matter doubtful; it could have been yesterday."

"Never in my life had I seen anyone so clearly as I saw these people; not a detail of their clothes or features escaped me. And yet I couldn’t hear them, and it was hard to believe they really existed."

"What struck me most about their faces was that one couldn’t see their eyes, only a dull glow in a sort of nest of wrinkles."

"For a moment I had an absurd impression that they had come to sit in judgment on me."

"I had nothing to say, and the silence lasted quite a while"

"To my surprise each of them shook hands with me, as though this night together, in which we hadn’t exchanged a word, had created a kind of intimacy between us."

"Now, in the full glare of the morning sun, with everything shimmering in the heat haze, there was something inhuman, discouraging, about this landscape."

"He was walking with carefully measured steps, economizing every gesture."

"..and I pictured myself going straight to bed and sleeping twelve hours at a stretch."

"I remembered it was a Sunday, and that put me off; I’ve never cared for Sundays."

"After that I stayed in bed until noon, smoking cigarettes. I decided not to lunch at Céleste’s restaurant as I usually did; they’d be sure to pester me with questions, and I dislike being questioned. So I fried some eggs and ate them off the pan. I did without bread as there wasn’t any left, and I couldn’t be bothered going down to buy it."

"It occurred to me that somehow I’d got through another Sunday, that Mother now was buried, and tomorrow I’d be going back to work as usual. Really, nothing in my life had changed."

"Before leaving for lunch I washed my hands. I always enjoyed doing this at midday. In the evening it was less pleasant, as the roller towel, after being used by so many people, was sopping wet. I once brought this to my employer’s notice. It was regrettable, he agreed—but, to his mind, a mere detail."

I really enjoyed reading this book. I was able to identify with the character on some deep level, plus the uncommon descriptions and the attention which was drawn to details was quite amazing. This might be the first book I'm considering re-reading. 

Go away.

Replace day with weekend. So glad it's over. And this following week will be quite overwhelming too. All in all ..

Actually I'd be pretty content with one week of solitude. I've been around way too many people for just 3 days. *Emotionally drained*

Welcome, October.

This month will be pretty exciting; well, besides the fact that is autumn, that the weather will get colder (so it won't feel like June anymore) and that the landscape will be more colorful - oh, and almost forgot: there will be crunchy leafs I can step on (it's a cool feeling, don't ask).
Also, I just found that this Saturday there will be a meteor shower called Draconid, and my country is the one that has the best visibility, ha!

"Romania is the “perfect” spot to watch this “once in a lifetime phenomenon,” Vauboillon said. He added that the meteor shower includes thousands of billions of comet particles entering the atmosphere at very high speeds.
“To give you an example, everybody knows that in August there are many falling stars and everybody can see them without a large telescope. It’s very easy, you go outside, open your eyes and there they are. In October, there will be two and even six times as many falling stars than in August. It’s the perfect moment to see them. (…) I strongly recommend that you go watch them,” Vauboillon said. The phenomenon was last seen in 1946 and before that, in 1933. He explained that the Draconids will be visible in the entire Europe and western Asia."

Jeremie Vauboillon, prediction specialist at the Sky Mechanics and Ephemeris Calculation Institute (IMCCE) in Paris

 I think this is the first time I'm happy for living here. On 30 October we'll get back to the GMT+2 time which will be quite confusing for a while, but I'll get used to it like always. I just don't see the point in the whole thing - it's not like most people care to save the energy.
And I'm pretty excited about Halloween. We kind of never really celebrated it, but last year I did with some friends.. twice - and it was awesome. This year I want to find a better costume/makeup and I want to sculpt a pumpkin. It will be pretty cool.

Conspiracy!!

Imagine ten more, with larger,
creepier smiles and almost
no eyes o.o

Last night I had one of those weird dreams again. Well I only remember fragments of it; there was this criminal who wanted to murder me and my family, and somehow he got into our house.. but for some reason he didn't kill us but talked to us (maybe he needed some information before) and while he was talking I offered him a glass with some drink and I put something in it - to like put him to sleep or whatever, and he noticed and got mad so I blocked him into a room and ran for my life. I went one floor down and knocked on our neighbors door and instead of my neighbor showing up, there was this old asian woman and inside there was some kind of chinese party or reunion and I was trying to explain that I need to call the police but she kept offering me tea so I grabbed the phone and called but the line was dead... then I woke up. WHAT IF the asians were the ones who sent that person to murder us so they could take over the whole building and then the entire world?! Nahh, I guess not but I love those crazy dreams. But those asians were so weird and creepy; they were all looking the same and had an annoyingly forced smile and their faces looked like they were made out of wax and, and.. they creeped me out (more than that criminal).

Randomness?

Alright so I'm learning the Digestive system - kind of every little reaction that takes place there; mechanic, chemical, physical, in its every component, heck even in the mouth, every little enzyme, protein, glucide and shit. And it's 100% boring, so I can do that later. I have no idea what I'm gonna write about, I've got this urge to go on and whine about everything but I won't. Gotta stay positive (yeah, right). Ok, so I've been staring at my screen, trying to find something to write about but nothing comes to my mind. Oh, oh! This this week I made my first dream catcher ever :)) I kinda like how it turn out. Ok I have an idea; these days I've walked a lot and for some reason I started noticing people. And by this I mean their randomness; and sometimes listening to their discussion was kind of funny, but if I were to translate them in English, it wouldn't be fun anymore. I'm not sure what's the point that I'm trying to make here; I was just looking at their faces and gestures, trying to guess how they're like, their life or whatever. The thing is when I walk I get bored so I gotta do something, and this kept my mind occupied. And doing this, made me think about how I tend to judge people on their appearance. And by this I don't mean only the way they look or dress; but by the way they walk, move, act and talk.. there so much things you can know about a person only by observing them. And I don't know if it's wrong or right judging someone like this, but the thing is most of the times the first opinion I had on someone was the lasting one. And usually, I tend to 'guess' people, that unless if I like them, because then I usually won't see any flaws or whatever. Pfffhhs, I have no idea what all this amount of words is.

Test II

Took some tests, and I'm just gonna post the results, 'cause I like keeping them.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.

• Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
• Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
• Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
• Projection of blame onto others
• Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
• Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
• Relentlessly suspicious

People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. Unlike avoidants, schizoids genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived by others as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."

• Symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder:
• Weak interpersonal skills
• Difficulty expressing anger, even when provoked
• "Loner" mentality; avoidance of social situations
• Appear to others as remote, aloof, and unengaged
• Low sexual desire
• Unresponsive to praise or criticism

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

• Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearance
• Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
• Difficult to follow speech patterns
• Feelings of anxiety in social situations
• Suspiciousness and paranoia
• Odd beliefs or magical thinking
• Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

• Disregard for the feelings of others
• Impulsive and irresponsible decision-making
• Lack of remorse for harm done to others
• Lying, stealing, other criminal behaviors
• Disregard for the safety of self and others

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

• Requires excessive praise and admiration
• Takes advantage of others
• Grandiose sense of self-importance 
• Lack of empathy
• Lying, to self and others
• Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

• Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
• Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
• Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
• Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
• Desire for improved social relations
• Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly
• Creation of elaborate fantasy lives

While Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder (OCDP) sounds similar in name to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder, the two are markedly different disorders. People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.

• Need for perfection and excessive discipline
• Preoccupation with orderliness
• Inflexibility
• Lack of generosity
• Hyper-focus on details and rules
• Excessive devotion to work

Test I

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	High-Moderate
Cyclothymia:	High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Very Slight
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Major depression is a mental health disorder which causes prolonged feelings of despair, worthlessness, irritability, and fatigue. Symptoms of Major Depression:

• Despair and hopelessness
• Little motivation to complete even simple tasks
• Thoughts or attempts of suicide
• Low self-esteem and self-confidence
• Low energy levels, tired and run-down
• Trouble falling asleep, nightmares, waking and can't fall back asleep
• Daily life is severely affected
• Loss of sex drive
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of interest in formerly pleasurable activities
• Symptoms last longer than two months

Dysthymia, or dysthymic disorder, is a clinical diagnosis of moderate, persistent depression. Sufferers do not routinely experience the extremes of major depression, but the duration can be much longer. Dysthymia does not often inhibit normal activities. The depression experienced in dysthymia sufferers tends appear almost as a personality trait. They tend to be self-critical and negative, with low self-esteem. Many dysthymics are unable to recall the last time they felt happy. 

• Long-term depression, sadness, anxiety
• Fatigue, difficulty falling asleep or waking and not being able to fall back asleep
• Problems with memory or concentration
• Low self-esteem, guilt, or negative thinking; self-critical
• Depression seems part of one's personality, gloomy, no joy
• Unable to remember last time one was happy, confident, or inspired
• Unexpected weight loss or gain, eating problems
• Symptoms present for over two years

Also known as manic-depressive disorder, bipolar disorder results in dramatic mood swings in the sufferer. This psychological disorder is characterized by perpetual shifts between manic and depressive phases. During the manic phase, one may feel unnaturally confident, energetic, and out of control. The depressive phase shares many symptoms with major depression. Bipolar is the only depressive disorder that is not heavily skewed toward women.

Manic Phase

• Little sleep, plenty of energy
• Exaggerated optimism, excessive self-confidence, euphoric mood
• Engaging in wreckless, inappropriate behavior
• Promiscuity, sexual aggression
• Distractible, unable to concentrate, too many ideas
• Abuse of alcohol or drugs
• Increased irritability

Manic phase lasts at least one week

Depressive Phase

• Deep despair, suicidal thoughts or actions
• Anger or fear due to uncontrollable mood swings
• Feelings of guilt, low self-esteem
• Difficulty falling asleep, restless sleeping, over-sleeping
• Diminished sex drive
• Loss of interest in formerly-enjoyed activities
• Eating disorders, unexpected weight gain or loss
• Physical pains not associated with a known illness

Cyclothymia is a mild form of bipolar disorder. It is characterized by mood fluctuations that shift between depressive and hypomanic phases. The depressive or hypomania symptoms of cyclothymia may last for a few days to several weeks at a time, with brief intervals of normal mood in between. Personality changes are often evident to family and friends. Individuals who have a stable mood for longer than two months at a time are not likely cyclothymic. 

Hypomanic Phase

• Excessive confidence and self-esteem
• Reduced ability to concentrate, easily distracted
• Sleep difficulties, excessive energy
• Heightened irritability
• Reduced inhibitions, may make foolish decisions
• Hypomania lasts between several days and several weeks

Depressive Phase

• Feelings of inadequacy, low self-confidence
• Difficulty falling asleep, unrestful sleep
• Fatigue, lack of energy
• Negative thinking, feelings of guilt and sadness
• Loss of interest in formerly enjoyable activities
• Depression lasting between several days and several weeks

I'm done with counting days.

I’ve always wondered if people change; like when they have a bad habit, that has negative effects over their life and others life, and they know it. It doesn’t matter what that consists of - a vice, the way they act, a habit.
But they don’t; and promises are just meaningless words. You know, first they seem to be different, and you ask yourself ‘how is that possible?’ but then.. what seems to be too good to be true, so it is.
Conclusion: Don’t have expectations?

Day 21 - SIG-E-CAPS

That's it.

Tried to avoid it. I really did. But it keeps coming back.

Day 20 - Hmmm?

Almost forgot to post - was going to bed to finish reading for anatomy and some other book I have to finish by tomorrow. Getting out of my warm and comfortable bed would have been an action which would have required way too much energy - which I undoubtedly need, so yay! for my good memory. I'm here to bore anyone who reads this. But if that would have happened, I would immediatelyhave gotten out of bed, only to post on this blog, being the responsible person I am.
So, I have a question for anyone who reads this: If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud? And I want arguments! Ha. [I'll probably add my answer tomorrow, or one day this week]

Day 19 - The unknown

I often dream about starting a new and completely different life. Just move to a place that's far away from here. Somewhere I could just go out feeling like a stranger. Knowing I could never bump into someone who knows me. Somewhere new; somewhere different. Somewhere like Amsterdam, The Netherlands.

Just imagine looking out the window and seeing this:

..or walking down the street and passing by stores like this:

Hehehhehehe

I'm waiting for that victorious day.

Day 18 - Oh crap

It feels ten times worse than a hangover and by tomorrow morning I have to:

• read an entire book (and actually know what it's about)
• learn 20 LONG mathematical formulas that make no sense
• do 47 math exercises
• study for anatomy

Last night/this morning I..

• been up till 9 am with my friend
• drank beer
• smoked hookah
• cleaned all the mess after that
• slept for one hour

Oh fuck. Now I'm panicking. I can't even see well and my head is killing me. Great. Just freaking great.

Day 16 - Find a title

Whoa, it finally is Friday! It feels so good knowing that next morning I won't have to wake up at 6:40! This weekend looks like one when I'll just be lazy; and once again my parents will go out of town so weeee! I'll have the house for myself. Nothing particularly interesting happened today, I'm kind of bored so I'm doing all kind of psychological tests and online surveys. Here's the result to one:
"Thoughtful to the extreme, you are often obsessed with perfection and the rules governing your own personal interests. Your world is black and white. You love to work within a logical system, such as language, computer programming, or mathematics. Manipulating a system that can be completely understood is a distinct pleasure to you, because of your confidence in the underlying veracity of your belief system. Because of your appreciation for logic and order, those who speak or think in a sloppy manner are apt to generate more than their share of wrath. Although very amiable, you are not drawn to friendships out of a sense of personal need. You are just as happy by yourself with a good book or puzzle. Because you are so involved with thought, you will on occasion have difficulty dealing with the day-to-day problems of a normal life. Taking out the trash, doing the dishes, these are often left until the last possible moment, if at all."
This is very accurate, except that I don't think I see the world black and white, but that I am open minded (or maybe it's just an illusion?) and I don't find languages, computer programming and mathematics that fascinating. Everything else screams out my name/personality (whatever, you get the idea). Alright, I'm going to watch some series and just be lazy.

Day 15 - Bitter routine

There's not too much to write about; these days it's pretty much all the same. Tomorrow I gotta go get a present for my mom but I'm broke and I have no idea what to get her; why is it so hard to pick something for the person I've spent most of my life with? I'll figure it out somehow, I guess. Hmm, I don't know what else; I'm really tired, only got home an hour ago or so. I'll go have a bath and then probably go to sleep.

Day 14 - Munnighter

Way too tired to post anything interesting (or boring) so here's a cool song.

Neutral Milk Hotel - Communist daughter (that's me).

J/K.

Day 13 - Unjustified cruelty

Drew this yesterday evening. I love methodical things, that need a lot of attention to details; it also helped me loosen up a bit.
I'm complaining a lot about my life and mostly about insignificant things that other people don't even notice. I'll soon be a teenager's soul trapped into an adults' body. But at least I can write it all on this blog instead of going to a therapist (win!)


29 ° in September. It sucks.


Fucking Chinese people. I'm not a racist but those people are crazy. It wouldn't be fair to generalize this, because you can't judge a person based on their nationality, looks, religion or whatever, but I've heard pretty messed up things about them/their country. Of course, animal abuse happens all around the world, but for god's sake, who cooks dogs and cats? :| When they skinned that dog it rip my heart; he was fucking breathing and you could see his organs and everything.. This video is extremely disturbing so watch it at your own 'risk'.

Day 12 - Pakman

Today it was either really hot outside or I was wearing way too many clothes and walking too fast. On my way home a car almost hit me, it was only a few inches away.

I wonder if anyone else has noticed how people stay too close to each other when waiting in lines at supermarkets. Not all of them, but the majority. Sometimes I feel like telling them to give me some freaking space.

It looks like we have a new colleague - just not the kind I wished for. Another fashionista, like we needed more >.> After talking to a few of my classmates I found out that I'm not the only one who hates dislikes this class and can't wait for high school to be over, yay! (Why is knowing that people feel the way you feel comforting?)

I had a combination of weird dreams last night but unfortunately I didn't write them down and I only remember one in which I was sleeping and then I woke up and I had maggots crawling in my bed (I was sleeping in my sleep that's awesome and boring at the same time).

"Dreaming of maggots is very bad and should be analyzed carefully. Maggots represent the eating away of the dead, and thus destroying your sense of sanity. It is also foretelling of issues that are being ignored and which will catch up with you and likely to impart a destructive period in your life. Take care of your pending problems and stop maggots from coming into your dreams.
If you have a dream in which writhing maggots play a significant part then you should look at your life very carefully.
There may be some part of your own personality which you find repulsive. The maggots may represent the part of you that you think of as rotting. Maybe you feel guilty about something that you have done - or not done. You may have acted dishonestly - or covered up the dishonest actions of others. Alternatively, the writhing maggots may represent a scandal in which you were involved - a scandal which may not have become public. You may be aware that there is something rotten in your life.
To see maggots in your dream, represents your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now “eating away” at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance."

I love how accurate those dream interpretations can be at times. The truth is also terrifying. Hmph.

Day 11 - The dog days are over

Today is officially my last day of summer vacation. It's sad and exciting at the same time. I'm not too happy about having to wake up at 7am five days a week for the next ten months; I'll have to deal with annoying classmates, lots and lots of exams this being my final year. Though I'll be done with high school already and be able to move on - to what, I don't know yet.

I hope I'll have at least a new (and awesome) classmate; but I guess it's not gonna happen. Sigh.

It was a good summer though. A bit too hot, but good.

I'll miss being lazy and listening to music all day
in my underwear.

Day 10 - Strange influence

I tried to take a nap but didn't succeed so instead I made another coffee. Spent my last night watching series and then I slept for maybe five hours. It's full moon outside and I think it influences our sleep; the first time I actually realized it was a few years ago when I was walking to school with a few classmates and one said how bad she slept, then another one and another.. the same day we had physics (with that super old teacher) and she noticed that the majority of us were tired or daydreaming and that's when she told us that she didn't sleep at all last night, but that it's because of the full moon and that's become a habit for her. It's not a fixed rule - I don't always get sleepless nights when it's full moon, but the quality of my sleep decreases. I thought it was a pretty interesting process so I wanted to find out more about it. Apparently some peoples' sleep is bad or inexistent in this period, others have the best sleep ever, with a lot of dreams.

"In a 2008 article for the Arizona Republic, Clay Thompson refers to a study a few years ago in which researchers from the Austrian Society for Sleep Medicine and Sleep Research studied the sleep patterns of 391 people from various European countries. They found eight percent of those surveyed had difficulty sleeping. On the other hand, 25 percent said they sleep unusually well when the moon is full. Why a full moon keeps some people awake apparently is a mystery.

Many disorders seem to follow the phases of the moon. Epilepsy and headaches often follow this cycle. Some people don’t sleep on the night of the full moon. Scientists have proved that the phases of the moon really have an effect on the mind.
Actually, the Moon has influenced life and the mind of people since the beginning of time. The cave men believed that the Moon was a God. They picture it in many cave drawings. Down through the ages and even today many cultures and religions worship the Moon.
The Moon controls the ebb and flow of liquids, be it fleshly fluids or the powerful flood of the ocean tides. Many calendars and almanacs include Moon Phase Planting Guides and even Fishing Guides.
Everybody knows such expression as “mood madness”, in fact, it close to the truth. The word “lunatic” is descended from the Latin word “luna” that means moon. You may not believe that the moon can cause a person to go mad, but the full moon seems to have an effect on emotional condition. It has been noticed that cell block fights, riots and general contention among inmates increase in the periods of full moon.
That’s why scientists advise to keep a close watch on the prisoners, and suggest the policemen to be more alert than usual during the time of full moon. There may a few “loonies” wandering the streets.                                  
Animals are also influenced by the moon. One study reports that animals are twice as likely to bite people during the time of full moon.  Take to your consideration the creatures of legends and myths. Thus werewolves need the light of the full moon to display the change, and vampires walk the night beneath the light of the moon.
All these facts confirm that it should come as no surprise that, when the moon is full, some people may suffer from insomnia, nightmares, strange dreams, and some people even sleepwalk. There is one more interesting fact that some people sleep better when the moon is full, even if its shine falls into their faces."

  Looks like a nebula

Personally, I love the moon, being it full or not - it gives the night a more mystical air. Here's a photo I took last night, kind of blurry but it was with zoom, no flash, and my camera is crap so the pic is below average quality. As a kid I was afraid of the moon; it all started when I was in the 2nd grade and went on an excursion with some kids that were older; we visited a zoo, and those kids started saying that owls are bad luck. On the way home it was already night and the full moon was up and the same idiots were telling us that seeing an owl and the full moon in the same day means that we're going to die. Then the bus broke, so that pretty much scared the shit out of us. But eventually things turned out to be ok, we got home safe, but every time I was seeing the full moon outside, I was hiding under my sheets and was literally scared to get out of bed. Add the fear of dark to that and you get the perfect combination.                                                               

Day 09 - Choices

When I started this blog I wanted it to be something that people would enjoy reading, but I changed my mind. It will be more 'personal' and probably not particularly interesting; so if you don't have something to say, and only comment so I'll comment back, don't. Just a side note. Also the new template looks so much better compared to the one I had before. Still not perfect but there's always place for improvement!


I was just thinking about these years I spent in high school and how I've never been the first one in my class. And I never was because of a stupid reason: I didn't care about school. It sounds dumb, but all I cared was to pass the year. Despite that, my lowest GPA I ever had was 9,10 - or something close to that. I think I've made some wrong decisions; the subjects I do the best in are English, French and Romanian. And I'm in a science class.

I like anatomy, it's basically the only subject I study because I want to, but I don't like my teacher and my teacher doesn't like me - which makes the whole situation shitty. I like chemistry, but I have this teacher that doesn't really care if we study or not - so technically I've passed through these years based on my excellent cheating skills. The young and stupid me never thought that I might need it if I'll go to med school, so I never learned it. I mean I know I could, I just don't have the motivation (though getting accepted into uni should do it); I keep saying I'll start tomorrow - this happening since June.


When I had to choose which high school to go to, I kind of randomly picked one. I had good grades so I could have gone to any HS in my city but (there always is a but) I didn't know what I wanted to do further. So I applied to the one I'm in now, only for the social profile - so the main subjects were history, languages, psychology and philosophy. What I didn't know was that we were only going to do psychology in the 11th grade and philosophy in the 12th, leaving economy for 10th and logic for 9th. I hated that class, everything was boring and my classmates were awful - apparently they all went there because it was easier. So after the first semester I transferred into the science class.


And then the fun began .. I wanted things to get hard? Oh, they did. From 1 hour of math, chem and physics, I got to 3 of each. I was behind with everything - and who was to wait for me? Not to mention I still wasn't interested in studying.. that until one day, when my physics teacher told me that I'm stupid and I don't belong into a science class and that I should go back to the class I came from. That infuriated me limitless. There's no better way to motivate me but by challenging me. When someone tells me I can't do something I'll do it just to prove it wrong - even if it's not in my advantage, even if it's hard, even if it takes years. Yeah, I am that stubborn.


Long story short I learned pretty much everything that was to learn, then we had a test, and when she brought the results mine was the best paper, and she was like ‘I want to apologies for what I’ve told you, but I really thought you were stupid. Plain dumb. An idiot. Really. But now, you proved me that you’re smart and you don’t memorize word by word, because the answers you had in the test were logic, and not paraphrases from the notebook.’ and bla bla's like that. Ever since that happened, I was the best in class at physics, always solving problems and stuff. It didn't last too long, after one year our teacher retired (she was REALLY old) so there practically was no reason for me to keep studying it.


In the 10th grade something that I'm rather ashamed of happened - I failed my math class. It
was partly my fault - for not studying it hard enough - but by the end of the year I actually put effort in being active during class, solving exercises and things like that. But that wasn't enough - and here comes the bomb. My math teacher is a pedophile (and no one's doing anything about it). He has nothing with guys, they can pass even if they don't know elementary things, but he 'chooses' a few girls he likes every year .. and yeah, if you don't fuck him you don't pass. It's pretty sad that some of my colleagues actually chosen that over studying during summer and passing an exam, and what's even sadder is that the principal knows about this whole situation but she won't do anything about it because this teacher is very important - also a uni teacher, inspector and shit like that. It made me real mad; it made me feel stupid because I knew more mathematics than half my class but still I didn't pass. But I wasn't gonna let a 70 years old horny pedo bear touch me either. He was pretty mad, only I and another girl didn't choose the easy way. He still hates me to this day. One time we had this test, and I knew to solve some exercise no one in class knew, but I had some mistake at another exercise, so he gave me a nine with a star. Seriously? I won't have 10 at maths but at least I still have my pride.

Pedo Bear does not approve.

Day 08 - Pain free

Lately I've been watching a lot of House MD - which by the way is an amazing series. Since I have a never ending fascination for the human body I decided to write about a very interesting condition called Congenital Pain Insensitivity. It usually runs in families, but being a very rare disease that has its cause in the genes, it’s seen more in groups who marry amongst themselves (if someone carries a defective gene for a disease and has children with another carrier, the combination will give a new person with the defective genes from both parents). As its name says (and how you might have already guessed) those affected by it can't feel physical pain (and never had). 

This is how we feel pain

We have receptors (nerves) all over the body. They can sense the temperature, where our body is in space and pain - among others. When in pain, those receptors will send a message to our brain so that it 'knows' we are in pain, in order to stop the action and try to avoid it in the future. For reasons unknown, in this condition, the connection between the nerves that sense pain and the brain’s recognition of pain is missing. Unfortunately, it is incurable, the emphasis in treatment being on the prevention of injuries.


Not feeling physical pain might sound pretty great, but it's not. Those who suffer from it can break their bones without even noticing; infections go unnoticed for far too long or they suffer burns from hot foods, water - you get the idea. If you found this interesting and want to know more about it, you should watch episode 14 (Insensitivity) from season three of House MD.


I don't think I'll be doing the photo challenge anymore, so I should change the name of the blog and the url soon. And I am also kind of running out of ideas of what to write about (yes, already). If you have any suggestions, let me know.

Day 07 - I weep for humanity

All the problems that exist in this messed up world can't be written in one post - and I for sure don't qualify as the right person to do so. Just looking at the homo sapiens that my generation consists of, makes me want to jump off the closest bridge. It's true, life wasn't perfect before either, and it surely wasn't as comfortable as it is now, but it was different in so many good ways. If you wanted to talk to someone you would have to do it in person - not as comfortable as IM or e-mails, but I bet that in those times there weren't so many people suffering from anxiety or social phobia. Now don't get me wrong, I love technology and I don't wan't to live without my computer or internet connection; I like having a digital camera or being able to take my music with me wherever I go, but I'd like to trade my awkwardness with some social skills, please.

Books?

Today's teens value movies over books. Excuse my humble opinion, but that's bullshit. Most people who don't read make up excuses like 'I don't have enough time' or whatever; but that's not true - if you'd actually want, you'd have time, even if it's ten minutes when you have your lunch. A person who doesn't like books is a person who lacks imagination. They help you develop creativity and you'll enter worlds you never knew they existed. Not to mention books help you with your vocabulary, so that after 10 years of school you're not going to be like 'Yay! I got into collage!'.

Post a photo of you holding bottle of Jack at a party so everyone on Facebook can see how cool you are. Personally, I think people should keep the drunken pictures for themselves, but hey, that's just me! So, let me get this straight; the reason people go to parties is to let other people know that they went? Even if they didn't enjoyed it? Even if they listened to crappy music the whole night? And there are the hipsters - what's so great about wearing frames? Oh wait, I forgot that lens are too mainstream (by the way, being a hipster is too mainstream these days too). Of course there are exceptions - like in everything - which makes me believe that all is not lost. And then there is Rebecca Black..

Day 06 - I can't remember the last time I've read a good book

.. and it sucks. Just the other day I finished reading this book entitled Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubenfeld and it was a big disappointment. The title itself sounded intriguing, not to mention about the short presentation of the book:

"On the morning after Sigmund Freud arrives in New York on his first - and only - visit to the United States in 1909, a stunning débutante is found bound and strangled in her penthouse apartment, high above Broadway. The following night, another beautiful heiress, Nora Acton, is discovered tied to a chandelier in her parents' home, viciously wounded and unable to speak or to recall her ordeal. Soon Freud and his American disciple, Stratham Younger, are enlisted to help Miss Acton recover her memory, and to piece together the killer's identity. It is a riddle that will test their skills to the limit and lead them on a journey into the darkest places of the city, and of the human mind."

When seeing the name Freud and the word murder into the same paragraph I immediately decided this is something I have to read. The first 350 pages were plain boring, with a bit of action here and there, only two concrete deaths and everything pretty much predictable, but I said that maybe it will get better; it didn't. Then I thought I should finish it if I got that far with it. I feel like the end was exaggerated and that it didn't fit too well with the rest of the book (but it might be just me; I've read some reviews of the book and they were all saying how amazing it is). What I enjoyed was how Freud, Jung and other psychologists were discussing the subject of the Oedipus complex and how Dr. Younger eventually reinterpreted it:

"The Oedipus complex is real, but the subject of all its predicates is the parent, not the child. And it only worsens as the child grows. A girl soon confronts her mother with a figure whose youth and beauty the mother cannot help resenting. A boy must eventually overtake his father, who as the son grows cannot but feel the churning of generations coming to plow him under. But what parent will acknowledge a wish to kill his own issue? What father will admit to being jealous of his own boy? So the Oedipal complex must be projected onto children. A voice must whisper in the ear of Oedipus’s father that it is not he – the father – who entertains a secret death wish against the son but rather Oedipus who covets the mother and compasses the father’s death. The more intense these jealousies attack the parents, the more destructively they will behave against their own children, and if this occurs they may turn their own children against them – bringing about the very situation they feared."

Rain, y u no use your magical powers?

I'll start reading 'The invisible man' by Herbert George Wells (known as the father of science fiction) so this has to be good. Have you read anything good lately? Or do you have any book recommendations?

Today it rained but unfortunately it didn't help me feel better like it usually does; I still haven't slept well in days and I get massive headaches every day, school starts on Monday but I don't feel like I've been on a holiday, my mother's birthday is coming and I'm broke. Can at least one thing go well for me, just one single time?

Day 05 - Who are we?

The Johari Window is the main reason why we'll never get to know a person completely, not even ourselves. You might be wondering what that is; it's a theory that our self can be divided into four parts:

• the public self: the part of ourselves that we see and others see
• the private self: what we know but keep from others
• the blind self: the aspects that others see but we are not aware of
• the undiscovered self: this is where the unconscious or subconscious part of us is seen by neither ourselves nor others

Based on this, we can define four different personas:

The open persona

"Someone with an open persona is both very self-aware and is quite happy to expose their self to others. They are so comfortable with themselves they are not ashamed or troubled with the notion of other people seeing themselves are they really are.
Becoming an Open Persona usually takes people much time and effort, unless they were blessed with a wonderful childhood and grew up well-adjusted from the beginning. It can require courage to accept others honest views and also to share your deeper self and plumb the depths of the undiscovered self.
The weaker side of the Open Persona is where they understand and share themselves, but do not understand others. They may thus dump embarrassing information from their Private Selves onto others who are not ready to accept it."

The Naive Persona

"The Naive person has a large Blind Self that others can see. They thus may make significant social gaffes and not even realize what they have done or how others see them. They hide little about themselves and are typically considered as harmless by others, who either treat them in kind and perhaps patronizing ways (that go unnoticed) or take unkind advantage of their naivety.
The Naive Persona may be using aggression without realizing the damage that it does, and can thus be disliked or feared. They may also wear their heart on their sleeves and lack the emotional intelligence to see how others see them."

The Secret Persona

"When a person has a large Private Self, they may appear distant and secretive to others. They talk little about themselves and may spend a significant amount of time ensconced in their own private world. In conversations they say little and, as a result, may not pay a great deal of attention to others.
Having a smaller Blind Self (often because they give little away), the Secret Persona may well be aware of their introverted tendencies, but are seldom troubled about this. Where they are troubled, their introversion is often as a result of personal traumas that have led them to retreat from the world."

The Mysterious Persona

"Sometimes people are a mystery to themselves as well as to other people. They act in strange ways and do not notice it. They may be very solitary, yet not introverted.
As the Mysterious Persona knows relatively little about themselves, they may be of low intelligence, not being able to relate either to themselves or to others. They may also just prefer to live in the moment, taking each day as it comes and not seeking self-awareness."

I've always been fascinated about the multitude of 'personalities' a human being can have, but I've never heard of this psychological tool before. I found it quite interesting and I thought I should share. After reading the descriptions of the personas, I'd say I fit the best as 'the secret' one; which one fits you?

I'll always prefer this to a pool.

And for the photo challenge matter (which I'm tempted to abandon and just transform this blog into something random) this is another place I've been to this summer. There is no point in saying where this is, because you've probably never heard of it anyway. With the sun going down, the view was pretty magical, it was raining, (thing you can't really see in this picture so you gotta trust me) and there were no people around besides me and my two friends. So yeah, in one word it was awesome and it's a great feeling to swim when it's raining. Actually, for some reason, rain can always make the atmosphere better.
This post was kind of long, I actually wonder if anyone will read it.