Not good at life. Not even trying.

It's pretty obvious there is a certain type of people who are actually good at life; and I'm not talking extroverts. It's like a combination of certain traits that make a person liked - and when someone is liked by most people, then it's easy for them to work their way throughout life. But just because it's easy doesn't mean they're happy; and what if you're living a life that is neither easy or happy, is it worth becoming someone else so that things wouldn't be so complicated? I keep wondering..

# # #

I don't know what's happening, but I do want it to stop.

French kissing with your cat

                                         

Disintegration is what I consist of. 

Don't want to be one of them, but can't live being different either.

Feeling incredibly weird, useless, boring, mundane and bleak. It's like everything I say or do, I have already said or done before; every movement seems so mechanical, almost like a pattern my body follows. And my mind is driving me into insanity - or something that is close to that. Thoughts are messed up and unclear, but mostly negative. What do I do now?

A tremendous wave of nothingness hit me

.. and it felt great. What I previously typed was a lie; not in its entirety though. If we were to live a hedonistic life style, would we be truly happy? Or would it get repetitive after a while? Is it possible to get bored of 'fulfilling' your own pleasures? Would we be able to find so many things to enjoy so that we wouldn't get bored? Well it certainly wouldn't be considered 'moral', and I doubt it would fit too many people - yes, I truly believe some people are banned from happiness and self pleasure, or some people choose to do so themselves. Also, I tend to believe that hedonism equals self destruction. Anyway, what I wanted to get to is the following question - would this type of life style be fulfilling enough to provide ourselves that well-being feeling? And something more, if hypothetically that'd be possible, wouldn't people miss sadness? I mean yeah, I know sadness isn't the nicest feeling in the world, but sadness can be infinitely beautiful. Is this too much of a paradox..? I don't even know, all I have are questions, questions I constantly ask myself, so my mind won't slip into insanity.

Rotten thoughts of a rusty mind

So I figured today - while wasting my time once again - what is life but a long waiting? 'Tis nothing but an ephemeral existence, or, if it isn't much too harsh, even a struggle. The question is why, or what do we battle for? Why do we live in fear and doubt, always ready to mindlessly fulfill our duties, but never prepared to feel and forget about the consequences? Probably being cautious is the best, but then that leads to over thinking, and over thinking never has good results (as I am probably over thinking what I was originally to write about). If society (yes, I am going to blame it again) wouldn't set such high standards for us, or better, no standards at all, this world would be a much more better place; a much more creative place where people wouldn't be tagged as different and put aside just for having original thoughts or a different mindset. 'What a freak!' they think of an innovative artist, but in reality they aren't able to appreciate his true value because of their narrow mindedness. Kids being forced to go to school and integrate into an environment that would later transform them into those little pieces that help building up this machinery that society is. And you know what society is? Or even a small community, if not the entire humanity? It's a monster; it's a collective mind that follows the same ideas and concepts - and it's not just the media that implements them. It's gone further than that. And this monster is powerful, because it's not alike a human being, who in time loses its strength and will to go on, but the opposite, because over the centuries it gets more greedy; it only uses us, the people, as tools to get more powerful. Some get lost along the way, some get to the end and then realise their mistakes (some never do realise them though) but others, others find out about this cheap trickery and try or even succeed to stay away.
As I finish my third cigarette, I realise that it is too strong already;  I think it got me. Please keep away..

Can we exist outside ourselves?

What to do, what to do..

I wonder what do people with a degree in philosophy do for a living? 

(Other than being awesome)

Was thinking today I would like to study philosophy; besides the fact that I would be surrounded by great people - or at least more open minded, I suppose - it's something I need. I need to set my mind free; I'm so sick of formulas, calculus and things I have to learn by heart. I can't do that anymore; I need to express, I need to think, analyse, read, write, comment, listen, learn.. But is it good if it will bring me nothing else but pure joy for my soul and mind? Hate those type of decisions..

I Am Vertical

                 by Sylvia Plath

But I would rather be horizontal.

I am not a tree with my root in the soil

Sucking up minerals and motherly love

So that each March I may gleam into leaf,

Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed

Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,

Unknowing I must soon unpetal.

Compared with me, a tree is immortal

And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,

And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.

Tonight, in the infinitesimallight of the stars,

The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.

I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.

Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping

I must most perfectly resemble them--

Thoughts gone dim.

It is more natural to me, lying down.

Then the sky and I are in open conversation,

And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:

Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me. 

I sooooo need le weekend. my holiday.

---

Today it's the national day of Romania aka Great Union Day; you may wonder what this stands for so here it is a short story of the events which took place:

"In the immediate wake of the break-up of the Austro-Hungarian Empire after WW I, on December 1, 1918, citizens of Transylvania, Banat County, Crisana County and Maramures County met in the city of Alba-Iulia and voted to join Romania. This was ratified in the Romanian Chamber of Deputies and Senate on Dec, 29th. This act was internationally formalized by the signing of the Treaty of Trianon on June 4, 1920, between Romania and Hungary. This brought the three provinces of Wallachia, Moldavia, and Transylvania into the united kingdom of Romania.
Unification was first realized for a brief period in 1599-1600 under the rule of Mihai Viteazul (Michael the Brave). The dream of a unified Romania - linking the three primary provinces - remained until 1918."

Don’t judge me but I despise celebrating this day; I mean yeah, it was important in history and everything, but the way it is celebrated these days is just a degenerative thing which has nothing to do with the actual union.
To me, it’s a celebration of hypocrisy; today everyone loves this country all of the sudden. Today they forget about corruption, stupidity, lies, poverty and go to the center of their city only to be squeezed in a sea of humans, for some stupid fireworks which last for like 3 minutes and some stupid concerts.
Yeah, I am pissed off. I mean when is everyone gonna wake up? This is what you celebrate? And this is how you celebrate it? If there is anything you should be celebrating it’s reminding all the people who contributed to this country, who fought in wars, who actually made something so this crappy country could be at least ok. It’s the writers, the philosophers, the artists, the inventors who should be praised, not a mind-washing government.
It should be something symbolic and nice, not people running over each other. Maybe running movies about the history of Romania in cinemas; or running Romanian movies. All sort of documentaries about people who contributed to building the culture, personalities who built the history. There should be played the music of George Enescu, Ciprian Porumbescu and other classic music composers. There could be so many better things to do for peoples' entertainment instead of this joke called celebration. I'm trapped in here ;__;

Why do people need to pay other people in order for them to be listened to?

Have a freaky Halloween folks!

Be the creepiest you can be.

 And here it is, ladies and gentleman, the first Jack-o'-lantern I ever made!

Okay, gotta run. I'm still in the negotiating phase and my conscience is being self-conscious.
(Not sure if that made sense)

A cat appreciation post

I am going to tell you a story that not many will get to hear.. it's the story of my -not so mysterious- kat. 

 Have I mentioned he's not a normal cat? Nuh-uh. Oh well, I'm not allowed to reveal more than this following photo:

This is how Grimus appeared into this world.

He started as a little Yoda..

Just sleeping like a boss all day long

And explaining me the organic chemistry

But then he wanted power. 

And got very greedy. Started stealing everything I had or bought. Like food:

Problem?

Clothes

MINEEEE

It feels.. quite enjoyable.

And napkins, when I was sick.

But then I decided that's it, I need to teach this cat some manners. 

So now he's back to being a normal cat.

Just sleeping all day.

And being awesome. 

But now that his first moustache of wisdom has grown ..

..it's time for its metamorphosis.. 

Into what? i yet don't know..

On a side note, I am procrastinating since yesterday, just pushing off all the work I have to do until the very last moment when I'll start to panic because I will realize I don't have enough time to do everything on time. Oh well, it's funny how interesting everything else gets when you have work to do, isn't it?

More time, better sleep

These weeks I've been playing around with my sleeping schedule, because I need a new and better one. What I need is good, resting sleep - not necessarily long, and more free time because no matter how I'm trying to split it, I never end up finishing all I have to do in one day.

So I tried going to sleep at 10 pm, or a little earlier, and waking up normally - at about 7am. It's such an enjoyable sleep, full of dreams and everything, but not at all resting. During daytime I'm tired and irascible and really not in the mood to do anything but sleep more. Then I also tried going to sleep at about 1-2 after midnight, and waking up normally, which was okay, deep sleep, also resting, but can't remember any dreams. And last night I went to sleep a little after 11pm, maybe it was midnight, I don't remember, and woke up at 5am. It put me in an extremely good mood, was laughing mostly out of anything, I don't know, might be the tiredness saying its word.

So, I've looked up some sleeping schedules, and I'm thinking of trying the Biphasic one, which supposes sleeping twice each day. It involves a 90 minute nap and 3/4.5 hours of core sleep. Found some examples:

75-80 minutes beginning at 19:30
4-4.5 hours beginning at 01:00

vs.

12:30-5:00 am – core sleep (4.5 hours)

6:00-7:30 pm – nap (1.5 hours)

Biphasic sleeping can :

• reduce the total number of hours you spend asleep (as noted above)
• increase the quality of sleep during these periods
• improve both clarity and frequency of dream recall (nice!)

What are the downsides of Biphasic Sleeping?
The main negative aspect with both biphasic and polyphasic routines is simply that they are uncommon. It may become difficult to interract with monophasic sleepers in a timely manner (although a polyphasic routine emphasises this distinction much more than a biphasic one does).
Other than that, there is little that can be said against biphasic sleeping. As with any transition in your life, the first week or so will be a little more difficult than the rest - but only slightly. It is no worse than the jetlag you might experience following a long flight.

There also is the Uberman Sleep Schedule which goes like this: you take 6 naps that are 20-30 minutes each and are spread throughout your day. So you might have your naps at 2am, 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, and 10pm. Since I'm not home for almost half a day.. I couldn't really do that. Here's an experiment:

I'll start from today, going to take a nap right now. Will keep record of how everything goes.

Extract from The Stranger by Camus, pt. I

"Mother died today. Or, maybe, yesterday; I can’t be sure. The telegram from the Home says: YOUR MOTHER PASSED AWAY. FUNERAL TOMORROW. DEEP SYMPATHY. Which leaves the matter doubtful; it could have been yesterday."

"Never in my life had I seen anyone so clearly as I saw these people; not a detail of their clothes or features escaped me. And yet I couldn’t hear them, and it was hard to believe they really existed."

"What struck me most about their faces was that one couldn’t see their eyes, only a dull glow in a sort of nest of wrinkles."

"For a moment I had an absurd impression that they had come to sit in judgment on me."

"I had nothing to say, and the silence lasted quite a while"

"To my surprise each of them shook hands with me, as though this night together, in which we hadn’t exchanged a word, had created a kind of intimacy between us."

"Now, in the full glare of the morning sun, with everything shimmering in the heat haze, there was something inhuman, discouraging, about this landscape."

"He was walking with carefully measured steps, economizing every gesture."

"..and I pictured myself going straight to bed and sleeping twelve hours at a stretch."

"I remembered it was a Sunday, and that put me off; I’ve never cared for Sundays."

"After that I stayed in bed until noon, smoking cigarettes. I decided not to lunch at Céleste’s restaurant as I usually did; they’d be sure to pester me with questions, and I dislike being questioned. So I fried some eggs and ate them off the pan. I did without bread as there wasn’t any left, and I couldn’t be bothered going down to buy it."

"It occurred to me that somehow I’d got through another Sunday, that Mother now was buried, and tomorrow I’d be going back to work as usual. Really, nothing in my life had changed."

"Before leaving for lunch I washed my hands. I always enjoyed doing this at midday. In the evening it was less pleasant, as the roller towel, after being used by so many people, was sopping wet. I once brought this to my employer’s notice. It was regrettable, he agreed—but, to his mind, a mere detail."

I really enjoyed reading this book. I was able to identify with the character on some deep level, plus the uncommon descriptions and the attention which was drawn to details was quite amazing. This might be the first book I'm considering re-reading. 

Go away.

Replace day with weekend. So glad it's over. And this following week will be quite overwhelming too. All in all ..

Actually I'd be pretty content with one week of solitude. I've been around way too many people for just 3 days. *Emotionally drained*

Welcome, October.

This month will be pretty exciting; well, besides the fact that is autumn, that the weather will get colder (so it won't feel like June anymore) and that the landscape will be more colorful - oh, and almost forgot: there will be crunchy leafs I can step on (it's a cool feeling, don't ask).
Also, I just found that this Saturday there will be a meteor shower called Draconid, and my country is the one that has the best visibility, ha!

"Romania is the “perfect” spot to watch this “once in a lifetime phenomenon,” Vauboillon said. He added that the meteor shower includes thousands of billions of comet particles entering the atmosphere at very high speeds.
“To give you an example, everybody knows that in August there are many falling stars and everybody can see them without a large telescope. It’s very easy, you go outside, open your eyes and there they are. In October, there will be two and even six times as many falling stars than in August. It’s the perfect moment to see them. (…) I strongly recommend that you go watch them,” Vauboillon said. The phenomenon was last seen in 1946 and before that, in 1933. He explained that the Draconids will be visible in the entire Europe and western Asia."

Jeremie Vauboillon, prediction specialist at the Sky Mechanics and Ephemeris Calculation Institute (IMCCE) in Paris

 I think this is the first time I'm happy for living here. On 30 October we'll get back to the GMT+2 time which will be quite confusing for a while, but I'll get used to it like always. I just don't see the point in the whole thing - it's not like most people care to save the energy.
And I'm pretty excited about Halloween. We kind of never really celebrated it, but last year I did with some friends.. twice - and it was awesome. This year I want to find a better costume/makeup and I want to sculpt a pumpkin. It will be pretty cool.

Conspiracy!!

Imagine ten more, with larger,
creepier smiles and almost
no eyes o.o

Last night I had one of those weird dreams again. Well I only remember fragments of it; there was this criminal who wanted to murder me and my family, and somehow he got into our house.. but for some reason he didn't kill us but talked to us (maybe he needed some information before) and while he was talking I offered him a glass with some drink and I put something in it - to like put him to sleep or whatever, and he noticed and got mad so I blocked him into a room and ran for my life. I went one floor down and knocked on our neighbors door and instead of my neighbor showing up, there was this old asian woman and inside there was some kind of chinese party or reunion and I was trying to explain that I need to call the police but she kept offering me tea so I grabbed the phone and called but the line was dead... then I woke up. WHAT IF the asians were the ones who sent that person to murder us so they could take over the whole building and then the entire world?! Nahh, I guess not but I love those crazy dreams. But those asians were so weird and creepy; they were all looking the same and had an annoyingly forced smile and their faces looked like they were made out of wax and, and.. they creeped me out (more than that criminal).